Jackie's Story
by BrownEyedDevil
Summary: It's the year 2007. Jackie is still mourning her recently deceased husband when a note he left her sends her on a trip down memory lane... JH, of course.
1. In the Light

**A/N: I've been thinking a little while before even writing this down. I got the inspiration a few months back, while reading Stephen King's "Lisey's Story" and completely submerging into the world of obsession, lunacy and smut. Yes. Jackie and Hyde. To those who have read the book be advised that I have taken only parts of the story to make them my own because the rest... Didn't fit in. Period. It's my story and I do what I like :-p**

**Okay, so, Ill see where this is going and if people are interested, so leave reviews because that's what we live off. I always feel so dirty and low when I beg, but fact is... I don't feel motivated if I don't get any, which means I'm not writing. Post counts don't show if people liked this story or not.**

**The song featured int this is "In the Light" by... Led Zeppelin. No surprise there. Every chapter will be built on a song and I strongly recommend that you at least listen to the song afterwards, it helps a little. If you go to our friend Youtube and type in song and artist, you want to listen to the fifth from the top, that one's the best.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own squat. I'd love to have my own personal Hyde clone, but I don't even have THAT. And I don't want nothing to do with the show after what they did to it. If they didn't screw up so badly I wouldn't have to write this, damn it. See, this story will also contain language and, if you ask nicely, even some smut. So if you don't like the word fuck or see people doing it... Don't read. The gang's offspring is entirely mine and will be claimed when necessary. Amber is mine. See. So are Steven and Jimmy, for now only mentioned.  
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**I dedicate this to the Zennies who showed me that I am not alone. And who'll hopefully never read this, hehe.  
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* * *

**In the Light **

November 2007, New Jersey

_  
And if you feel that you can't go on. And your will's sinkin' low  
Just believe and you can't go wrong.  
In the light you will find the road. You will find the road _

"_D'OH!"_

Sighing she turned off the TV. Not even watching The Simpsons could get her out of her blues anymore. It wasn't the same without him next to her, anyway. His laughter had always cracked her up, not matter what. But those times were definitely over.

Looking around their living room she felt like she saw it for the first time, even though she had been living here for twenty years. But she had been here alone for two months now. She even kept thinking about everything as "theirs". Just because she wasn't used to the concept of being alone. Not after all these years.

Before she could decide what to do next Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back" blared through the brightly lit living room and she started to look for her cell phone. As much as she had hated these things, they were handy, after all. Especially in emergency situations. But she really needed someone to change that ringtone for her, whoever had changed it in the first place.

Close to giving up she finally located it in the folds of the huge cream colored couch. She automatically looked at the display and smiled for the first time in days.

"Who made you call me? This is the first time in what, months?"

"Yeah, I'm glad to talk to you, too, Jackie!"

Hearing the deep voice of her best friend from old days she leaned back and smiled. They hadn't talked since the funeral, and before that only once a year when the gang gathered for Kitty's birthdays. But ever since Red had died eight years ago those events had gotten a bitter note and usually half of them found excuses not to come. But not them-they had been there every year. After all, they were her daughters in law.

"So, how are you? And how..."

"Eric is fine. He is on a class trip to Washington this and next week, so I thought... I could come up and help you, if you want. In case you want to start going through things, you know."

"How do you know I haven't..."

"Jackie, you might have changed a lot in the past 30 years, but some things never change. So what do you think? The two of us, talking about the good old times?"

Jackie smiled again and looked out the window of her house. They had done so well considering what had happened to all of them. She couldn't help but feel proud of her friends. Looking back to the old days when they were all still in High School, it seemed like they would never grow apart, would always stay together but not amount to much. But the opposite had happened-most of them had impressive careers but they never really talked anymore, up until two months ago.

And now... Donna and Eric were married, of course. It had taken about ten years, but in the end they both summed up the courage to show up. After the first try and Eric running off, his stint in Africa, another attempt and Donna not showing up-to get even as she had put it... Eric had worked his way up to be an English Professor and head of the English department at the State University of New Jersey while Donna had broken off her studies when she had found out that she was pregnant in her second semester. Her first son Joshua wasn't an only child for long, when he was only six months old Donna was pregnant again. Everybody had made jokes about Eric's stamina and Kitty had been delirious. In the end, Donna was stuck at home with her five kids Joshua, Jennifer, Lucas, Timothy and Sara.

Jackie would never forget how she had felt the night Donna had called her, she had known that something major had happened because by then, they were barely speaking to each other. She also remembered feeling lonely. After all, she had just left Point Place, her home for all her life and the only place she had known. And her friends who didn't feel like friends anymore. She still felt tears welling up in her eyes when she thought about that night in front of the TV with two bottles of red wine and a bowl of chips. And the small brown bag, a habit she had picked up in the basement and still couldn't let go off.

After she drank the two bottles, silently toasting to her pregnant but unmarried friend, she also remembered spending the rest of the night sweating and shaking on the bathroom floor. Certain things shouldn't be mixed. Like pot and alcohol. Or lonelyness and jealousy.

Trying to shake off the more than unpleasant memory Jackie got off the couch and walked towards the kitchen, she should prepare something for dinner. But when she opened the fridge the only things she saw was some wilting romaine salad and a box of baking soda. And in the very back of the fridge she saw something that made her heart sink. It was just a plastic container, but seeing it now, knowing what was probably in there... It was his damn lunch she had made for him. The lunch he could never eat. Like a flash it hit her, brought it back, the night he passed away, the night he had made love to her one last time, held her until she fell asleep...

It was too much for her and she fell to her knees, right in front of the open fridge door. She had bottled up her feelings for two months, ever since she had found him. Had gone through the preparations for the funeral, had called all of her old friends in person. And they had all admired her for her strength, had admired the person she had become. But the truth was, it had all been because of him. Jackie Burkhart had made the mistake to build her life around the men she loved, but changing her last name hadn't changed her.

As much as she wanted to, she couldn't cry. A few times she had felt like somebody kicked away her legs under her, knocked her down, a few times she had even fainted-but she had never cried. And she felt so bad about it, because he deserved to be mourned. He had hurt her more than anybody else in her entire life, but he had also given her the best things she had. The trust in love he had worked so very hard to give back to her. The priceless knowledge that she had been loved unconditionally. And three beautiful children, all of them far from being burnouts like he had once professed they would be, with him as a father.

The phone rang, but this time it wasn't her cell. She struggeled to get up, but finally succeeded, with the help of the refrigerator door. Of course the cordless phone was not on it's station and she had to look for it-definitely a huge disadvantage of modern life, she thought. Following the obnoxiously loud ring tone she reached the steps to the basement and stopped. It was definitely downstairs, but she couldn't remember going down there in the past few days, not to mention with the phone. Shrugging it off she raced down the stairs, finally finding the phone on the dryer in a small room to her right. Of course, she always took it down with her when she was doing the laundry.

"Hello?" for once she hadn't looked at the display in fear that her caller would hang up, considering how long it had taken her to even find the phone.

"Hi, mom... I was just checking in... How are you?"

A bright smile appeared on herstill youthful face when she heard her daughter's voice, being janked out of one emotional state and thrown into the opposite direction was something she had gotten so used to in her life that she didn't even stop to think about it.

"How are you, honey? How's College?"

"The usual, mom. Jimmy called me yesterday, he still insists being called Jim now. He's very embarassed that he was named after some guy from some band."

Jackie couldn't help but laugh about her son's insistence on distancing himself from everything his parents stood for. He even refused to take on his part in his father's business. She couldn't help but think how proud his dad would be-but he had always been, no matter what.

"Now, it wasn't just _some_ guy from _some_ band. We're talking about Jimmy Paige from led Zeppelin here. And your father thought it was one of-if not THE-greatest band ever."

She heard her daughter sigh on the other end and smiled again, leaning back against the dryer. Children.

"If I had had my say when you guys were born, you wold be Donnie, Peter and Tenille. Or possibly Agnetha, Bjorn and Benni."

Jackie giggled and knocked down a bottle of laundry detergent on her way out. She could pick that up later, she enjoyed talking to her only daughter way too much to bother about anything else. Like dinner. It would probably be the pizza delivery service for her again.

"We're way better off with Jimmy, Steven and... "

"Amber, be glad your father didn't get his wish to name you after Janis Joplin."

"Actually, that would've been pretty cool."

Fate had wanted her only daughter to be her father's daughter and not the little princess she had always dreamed of dressing in beautiful clothes. She had inherited her mothers looks but not the personality. The eighteen year old girl had ruined her beautiful hair with dreadlocks, listened to metal and got her first tattoo when she was fifteen. And her father had just smiled at her and grounded her for a week, which lasted exactly until that evening when he took the kids out for a movie.

He had never been one of the consequent parents.

"Actually, what I'm calling about..."

"I knew you wouldn't call your mom just to say 'Hi'."

They both shared a laugh at that because the kids took turns calling her and made sure somebody checked in with her every day, and they each came over for visits at least once a month, so she had had only one weekend to herself in those past two months-this weekend. But now Donna would be there and she didn,t have to be alone.

"I was thinking... Maybe I could have my birthday party at home. You know, just a few girlfriends, sleepover..."

"Are you kidding me? I thought you would have a huge kegger with your friends, getting all drunk, with kids throwing up everywhere..."

"Mom, nobody says kegger anymore."

"I know, but I do, because I'm your old mom."

"Stop pretending, it's not funny. I would really like to come home for my birthday. Besides, you know how my friends can't get enough of your stories."

"I'm not going to tell anything about me and your dad, honey. You know that."

"Remember wher you left off last time? Right on New years 1980? They are dying to hear about what comes next because they know what, but they want to hear everything from you. You made television history, mom!"

Jackie couldn't help but feel flattered by the interest her daughters girlfriends showed in her. Partly because of the amazing lovestory she had shared with her husband. Partly because she had been one of the first five Vjs on MTV.

She sighed and rubbed her forehead with one free hand before sitting down on a chair in the kitchen.

"You know what? Why not. I don,t have anything to do, anyway, why not organize a little slumberparty and get my daughter and her friends a little tipsy. Now, I know what you guys are usually doing, but since I am the responsible adult, you can all have a glass of wine or something. No Margaritas and Bloody Marys under my roof."

"That's fine. Okay, I gotta go. We are having a video night, I have to watch all the old Star Wars movies..."

"Uh no, I remember having to go with the gang... Actually, it wasn't that bad. What was bad though was Eric afterwards..."

Trailing off in her thoughts she managed to say goodbye to her daughter and hang up. Staring at the kitchen tiles she was taken back to the movie, her boyfriend at that time, Michael... And the feelings she had had for another guy in the group, from the moment she had seen him for the first time.

The boy that had turned into the man she had loved passionately and unconditionally until the end, through hurt, pain and betrayal, in sickness and in health. The man that had finally given in to the demons that had tortured his mind until his body started to deteriorate before her very own eyes. The man that had taken his life one night in September, after making love to her and holding her until she fell asleep, leaving her with a fortune, three kids and more than any woman could want and still with nothing, because he had been everything she had ever wanted.

In fact, he had left her a note and a song. A song she listened to every day, because it had been the last one he had heard. But she had stopped reading his last letter to her, she just couldn't stand looking at it anymore. He had tried so hard to express his feelings, to tell her everything she needed to know, but in between his demons had taken over, had left some weird gibberish. And on the second sheet were the lyrics, one line underlined so often the paper had ripped.

_In the light you will find the road._

It had reminded her of their early years, or what she thought of as their early years, after they had gotten together, after his marriage. He would sometimes leave her little notes, underlining the clue to the next one, until she would find the final price, which had usually something to do with sex.

With a thin smile she got up and walked over to the living room and to the stereo system, the one luxury he had always wanted, the latest model for the best quality-just to listen to his old music. She turned it on, and the album "physical Graffitti" by Led Zeppelin was still in the player.

Curling up on the couch she skipped until she reached the song, her song, and dropped the remote control on the floor.

"Steven..." she whispered as the first spheric sounds waved through the empty living room. She could have been scared, but she wasn't. Even out here, in the middle of nowhere, she wasn't. When she listened to this song she felt him right beside her, wrapping his strong arms around her. Sometimes she could even smell him, feel his warm breath on her cheek.

In those moments she would sell her soul just to feel him one more time...

_And if you feel that you can't go on. And your will's sinkin' low  
Just believe and you can't go wrong.  
In the light you will find the road. You will find the road_

_Oh, did you ever believe that I could leave you, standing out in the cold  
I know how it feels 'cause I have slipped through to the very depths of my soul.  
I just wanna show what I'd give you it is from every bend in the road  
Now listen to me  
Oh, whoa-whoa, as I was and really would be for you, too, honey  
As you would for me, oh, I would share your load.  
Let me share your load. Ooh, let me share, share your load_

_And if you feel that you can't go on  
In the light you will find the road_

_Though the winds of change may blow around you, but that will always be so  
When love is pain it can devour you, if you are never alone  
I would share your load. I would share your load  
Baby, let me, oh, let me_

_In the light  
Everybody needs the light.  
In the light, in the light, in the light_

_Light, light, light, in the light  
Light, light, light, in the light, ooh, yeah  
Light, light, light, in the light_


	2. White Rabbit

_First of all, thank you all for your reviews. And the people who already have this story on their alert list. In my book this counts as a positive review _

_ There we go. Thanks to the incredible incompetence of a certain company that produces Laptops mine erased pretty much it's entire memory. But because I'm smart I had at least this chapter saved, the next three are gone. Anyway, you shouldn't listen to my whining..._

_A/N: Maybe I should say something to those people who didn't read "Lisey's Story"-it's not so much the typical Stephen King book because it centers around a couple's love story and, well Lisey. So don't expect creepy clowns or murdering psychos... Hehehe. Thought I mention it before confusion breaks out. The title of this chapter is taken from a Jefferson Airplane song (White Rabbit) and you can find it on Youtube, as usual_

_Claimer/Disclaimer:This chapter may contain foul language so those who don't like pottymouths, shoo! I would also like to remind you that Jackie's kids are mine. Especially the one introduced in this chapter :p_

_Nuff said, read, enjoy, review. The holy trinity of fan fiction!_

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**White Rabbit**

_The next morning_

_The Hyde residence, living room_

_And if you go chasing rabbits  
And you know you're going to fall  
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar  
Has given you the call  
Recall Alice  
When she was just small_

She was dancing around her living room in her pink flannel pyjamas, singing out loud to the tune on the radio-it was the Spice Girls and she had loved them with passion. She was getting really excited about their reunion and had made plans to go see them in concert, even if that meant she had to go alone. Who in her address book would want to come with her? Exactly.

"_Stop right now, thank you very much!"_

Singing on top of her lungs she danced past the doorway to the entrance where she saw a person standing, watching her as she slid over the wooden floor towards the kitchen.

"_I need somebody with the human touch..."_

It dawned on her what she had just seen and gripping the first thing her hands could get a hold of she slowly stepped back and peeked around the corner. Shrieking she tightened her grip around the huge candle with its cast iron holder and jumped towards the tall figure in the hallway.

"What the hell? Jackie, it's me. Donna?"

Only inches away from the potential murderer and rapist Jackie stopped in her tracks, realizing that the guy with the long hair was indeed her redheaded friend who had called her yesterday to tell her she would come for a visit. But Jackie had assumed that meant next weekend and not the next day. In the backgrounds the Spice Girls were still blasting but before she could turn the music off the other woman had pulled her in for one of her feared bear hugs.

"I'm so glad to see you, Jackie. Why don't we go and get some breakfast somewhere?"

"I didn't think you would be here the next day, I would have prepared something... Let me just throw on some clothes and we can go get something at the diner in town. Just make yourself comfortable."

Jackie pointed towards the living room, shut off the stereo and hurried upstairs to her bedroom. Now hers. Formerly theirs. She pushed away the thoughts and memories lining up to invade her wonderful morning and opened her closet.

Ten minutes later she was actually ready to go, wearing a pair of dark jeans and a white cashmere sweater. She wasn't too big on makeup these days, a little powder, mascara and lip gloss, her hair back in a loose ponytail and now she was ready to go.

Not to her surprise she caught Donna with her feet up reading a magazine, of course her friend had anticipated an hour long wait, but that was Jackie Burkhart. Jackie Hyde... Now, that was a completely different story. That was a woman who didn't waste any more time in front of the mirror, on a morning like this, than she had to. It would probably shock her old friends, but to her job at the radio station where she had a two hour _oldie_ show every Saturday she sometimes went with no make up at all. She was too old to care but not old enough to let herself go completely. But having three kids she had learned to get her priorities straight. Like picking having a nice breakfast catching up with an old friend over spending an hour getting ready with a hole in her stomach.

"Are you ready? Already? Wow."

"No use to try hiding the wrinkles and those circles under my eyes just to go to that pukehole of a town and get breakfast."

Donna looked at her, eyebrows raised but Jackie shrugged it off. That woman hadn't tried for anything but smalltalk in 20 years and now she expected her to be just like she had been when she had left Point Place, but that wasn't exactly the case. Taking a deep breath she reminded herself to stay calm and try to get things right again. She really missed her old friends and even though she knew she would never be able to get the old times in the basement back, she could still try and make things right in the present.

"Is that your huge black SUV out there?"

"No, that belongs to the guy who wants to rob you when we're gone."

"Ts, really. I think we take my car, it doesn't scream mom as loud as yours does."

With that she took her car keys and headed for the door in the kitchen, almost hidden by the huge refrigerator in the corner. It was leading them into a garage big enough to fit two cars, their little red vintage Camaro that they had bought after the kids were out of the house and...

"The El Camino?"

Shrugging Jackie walked around the Camaro and opened the driver's door.

"Do you think he'd ever sell it? Of course we still have it. He got it from Leo. Besides... there are a lot of memories attached..."

With a little dirty grin she started the car, opened the garage door per remote and backed out. These days she chose to ignore the other car in the garage as much as possible. Too many times she had found him sitting in it, listening to music, drinking a beer. There were probably still some empty cans inside and she really didn't want to know what else she would find. Most of the time she had retreated back to the house and left him alone until he came back out.

They spent the ten minute drive to town in silence, each one deep in thoughts but not too uncomfortable. The fact that Donna had offered to come here to help her had shifted something in their strained relationship. All those years they had seen each other on Kitty's and Red's birthdays, 4th of Julys and even some Christmases, but they had always carefully avoided to talk to each other about anything serious and it hat hurt them both more than they wanted to admit. It had taken a lot for them to get to the point where they could let go and try to make up.

At the diner Jackie headed straight for a booth in the far corner, giving her friend time to adjust to the surroundings while they walked across the floor. When they arrived she turned sideways to slide onto the huge bench and smiled at the expression she saw on Donna's face.

"I know, it's a bit...retro."

The floor was in the typical black and white tile checkered style while pretty much everything else was either red or silver. Buddy Holly was playing in the background and the only thing out of place was the bored, washed out waitress.

"They seem to come with every diner."

Jackie whispered across the table and Donna started laughing madly, trying to compose herself when said woman approached them with coffee and two menus. They quickly decided, Jackie recommended the "Lumberjack Breakfast" with a giddy smile, and waited for the waitress to bring the food when they discovered the tiny jukebox on their table.

"Oh my god Jackie, look at the songs in there. Are we that old that the songs from our youth are in there? In this novelty retro junk?"

"That's why we used to go here all the time. Steven couldn't stop laughing when he had his sausage breakfast listening to Jefferson Airplane."

They both paused for a moment, relishing the thought of him being there, thinking about his sense of humor and appreciation for the irony in everything. Especially if it had anything to do with being high.

"We haven't had a circle in... a long time."

"True. We hid it from the kids pretty well I guess. Every other weekend when we went out for a movie or something. Of course they caught on when they got older... I wish we hadn't..."

"Jackie, stop it. It's not your fault. He's been doing it for what? Thirty years? There you have it. Be glad he didn't turn out like Leo and just disappeared one day because he completely forgot about you."

Jackie looked down and the table where her right hand played with a paper napkin and smiled.

"He never did."

"There you go darling, a mushroom omelet with cheese for you, brown toast, and a...cottage cheese with fruit for you sweetie. Can I do anything else for ya?"

They both shook their heads and thanked her. The second the waitress disappeared into the kitchen they exploded with laughter, not only about the walking cliche but also about their food choices. Talk about role reversal.

"So, you're still into the whole healthy living thing?"

"Well, Eric has a family history of heart problems so I think we're better off this way."

"Is he still so damn skinny?"

"You've seen him two months ago Jackie, you know he is. But he says he fits right in with all these skinny people now."

"He said the same thing twenty years ago about Mick Jagger."

They laughed again and started their breakfast, feeling more comfortable with each other by the minute. Jackie found herself wondering why they hadn't done anything like this ten years ago. But she already knew the answer.

"This is really... I enjoy this. And I regret that we didn't do this earlier. I was kind of hoping you would say something, but... Look, I'm sorry for what I did back then. I wasn't a good friend.I was a bitch. I was too busy moping about Eric to stand by your side and all this time I defended it by saying I was just trying to be nice. And I was scared all of these years that you would blow me off if I tried to do anything, you know. I thought that after Red's death we would see each other more often and... But obviously it didn't work..."

Jackie shook her head and gave her old friend a sad smile.

"It's not entirely your fault. I could have made the step but didn't, that makes me guilty, too. But Red's death... Parents are supposed to die before you. It took somebody of us to die to make us realize that we don't have all the time in the world, you know..."

"I really wish it hadn't, Jackie. You have no idea what I would give to get him back. I just never realized that you two were meant to be, you know. I always thought everybody had to be like Eric and me."

"God, no! Donna, that would be horrible!"

Donna laughed and reched across the table to slap her arm.

"But really... I wish you could have seen him how I saw him. He was a wonderful man and he really changed. Before... everything fell down on us. I mean, who would have thought... God Donna, it was really way more then sex. Even though... That was definitely worth a lot. A LOT."

She looked up and saw Donna giving her one of the strangest looks she had ever seen. Her eyes were wet and a few tears had rolled across her cheeks, but she managed to look giddy and mischievous at the same time.

"I'm not hungry at all... Say... You know where to get...", she looked around nervously, you know..."

Grinning Jackie pushed away her plate and got her wallet out of her purse, counting a few bills and slapping them on the table.

"Donna, this is one of the best ideas you've ever had. Once more, for the old time's sake!"

* * *

_Thirty minutes later_

They had spent the last fifteen minutes in her car, smoking and talking about nothing particular on the shoulder of the dirt road that led up to her house. Luckily enough she had found some CDs in the car with oldies on them. The fact that she owned MP3 CDs now instead of tapes still felt new and strange to her. But to hear The Doors without the cracking of a record player just wasn't the right thing, so they decided to drive back and dig out the old records.

They left the car in the driveway and walked up to the front porch when they became aware of music in deafening volumes coming from the house-which could only mean one thing. Jackie was about to warn Donna, but she had already walked up to the house and opened the door, so Jackie hurried to follow her.

In the door to the kitchen she found her friend standing frozen in place, staring with her mouth hanging open at what she saw.

Currently screaming "My cock is much bigger than yours" was her middle child, Steven, 20 years old and rightfully named after his dad. He had inherited the full set of looks from his dad and from the distance across the kitchen he completely looked like him with his curls, just a tad bit too long, his black concert shirt and jeans. He was bouncing from side to side, turning a pancake, still singing along to whatever the song was, completely unaware that he had company.

Then he turned around and gave Donna a full view over his appearance, including a black Led Zeppelin shirt.

"Holy SHIT!"

They both yelled at the same time and Jackie walked over to the kitchen table and grabbed the remote, ending the torture to her ears and turning around to her son and her friend who were still staring at each other.

"Donna, this is Steven."

"Fuck yes it is."

"My son. Named after his father?"

"Hey, I was listening to this."

Her son looked back and forth between his mother and her friend he remembered as his aunt D, a smirk slowly surfacing. He took his plate and sat down at the table, still shifting his eyes back and forth. Then he bursted out in laughter.

"I can't believe this. My mom and her friend are baked."

"No Steven, we are NOT."

"Mom, I know stoned when I see it."

He leaned back and crossed his arms across his chest and it still hurt Jackie to see him. He was a carbon copy of his dad which made it hard for her to be around him sometimes. Only his eyes were different, they were still blue, but not as piercing as his dad's had been. Maybe it was the lack of distrust in them.

"What are you doing here, anyway?"

He shrugged and startet to eat his breakfast, a telltale sign that he didn't like the direction this conversation was taking.

"Steven, what did you do now?"

Opening his eyes wide he looked up at her, trying to fake indignation.

"Mom! Can't a son just visit his mother without any ulterior motives?"

"Not if it is you. Spill it or wait until I find out and face my wrath."

He gave in, knowing very well that she wouldn't give up anyway. One time when he had been sent home from school because he had willingly blown up half of the classroom out of boredom during chemistry class, she had followed him through the house for two hours straight, asking the same question over and over again. "Steven, what did you do now", the mantra of his childhood.

"Okay, I thought I might stay for a week. You know, because it's Ambers birthday next weekend..."

"Aha, so you thought you just abandon the business and stay here to drool over her friends?"

The color of his face turned a very subtle pink, but aside from that his face remained expressionless while he stared at his pancakes, playing with a piece of butter on top of the stack.

"I can very well deal with everything from here. You know, humankind has cell phones and internet now."

"I guess Zoe is going to come, too."

"I guess."

He started eating again and Jackie knew she had hit the nerve. Her son had had a crush on her sisters best friend for years now but for reasons she understood very well had never made a move on her. Of course she had carefully interrogated her daughter to find out that Zoe was more than interested, but Jackie had decided not to interfer with the kids business.

"So, you are stoned again, huh."

"You make it sound like I was stoned every freaking day."

Donna had meanwhile gathered her wits and sat down next to Jackie, carefully watching Steven eating his breakfast. She was obviously still stunned by the boy she had last seen when he was twelve. At the funeral she hadn't been paying attention to anything, so to walk in on him in her mindset right now had been a bit of a shock, especially since he was wearing that shirt. He saw her staring at it and grinned.

"Cool, huh. Found it on ebay. It's _vintage_."

"Steven, we got three tons of _vintage_ upstairs."

"That's something different. I will not wear dad's clothes now, it's enough that I'm taking over the business. Besides, they always say it is better if you win it."

Sticking out his tongue a little he grinned and leaned back in his chair again, eyeing his mom and his aunt.

"So, are you guys getting all nostalgic tonight, smoking pot and listening to old records, talking about how GREAT everything has been back then?"

"One day you will find yourself in the same situation, believe me."

Donna gave him a knowing look, trying to be serious but she failed miserably. She started to laugh and Jackie quickly joined her.

"Oh my god, I totally forgot how we get... Jackie, remember how the guys would record what they said in the circle to listen to it afterwards?"

"Yes. Didn't they want to destroy the evidence?"

"Actually they buried it with some other things they didn't want anybody to see in the backyard. Well, guess what I found when we tried to dig out a hole for a pond?"

"No WAY!"

"Yes. It's all in the trunk. Eric would kill me if he knew. I didn't listen to it, I thought I'll wait until I come here so we can do it together."

"Do you realize how weird it is to sit on a table with adults, fuck, your own mother who is high as a kite?"

"Calm down, Steven. Don't you have any friends to visit? Aunt Donna and I have a lot to talk about."

"Yeah, that does it for me. I really don't want to be around when you get Donnie Osmond out and fan yourself."

Steven got up, laughing again and shaking his head.

"If I ever tell this to anyone they will send me straight to a therapist. I'm the one supposed to be stoned here getting my ass kicked for it. Not the other way around."

"And we all know that it isn't what you should do. You know that it could happen to you, too. It's in your genes."

"I know. But it's still funny as hell. I gotta call Amber. She will never believe me!"

When he was outside Donna smiled at her.

"All of your good qualities combined in one... He's gotta be an even bigger troublemaker than his dad."

"Actually, it's not too bad. I mean, the only thing left on our list was angry parents calling because he got their daughter pregnant, but he made it through school and he's pretty smart. So... it all evens out."

* * *

_One hour later_

_In the basement_

The room in the basement was filled with thick smoke and pictures from the box Donna had brought were scattered all over the floor. The two women were sitting on a thick area rug in the middle of the room, an ashtray between them and empty bottles of coke and bags of chips piled up behind them. Jackie was currently trying to get a Twinkie wrapper out of her hair.

"Donna, here it is, I found it. Remember that one summer when we all drove out to this lake in Kelso's van and got so high and we were dancing and laughing until we couldn't stand up anymore? We listened to Jefferson Airplane all day long and for once everybody agreed on the same music?"

"And I also remember Hyde first going on about how Alice in Wonderland was all about drugs and then dragging you off into the bushes for two hours. You came back looking like you fought some wild cats. He even had some leaves in his hair..."

Donna cried with laughter, rolling around on the floor. Jackie still held up a group picture somebody had made of them, she couldn't remember who, because they were all in it. Kelso was wearing swim trunks, holding up his hand behind Fez's head, giving him bunny ears. Fez was wearing even tighter shorts and she shuddered and quickly moved on to Donna and Eric. Donna was actually wearing a bikini and some flowing skirt, Eric was in shorts and a tee, his hair a mess, a broad grin on his face. He looked so stoned... And then, there they were. She was wearing a triangle bikini in rainbow colors and she had a scarf tied around her head. Tears stung in her eyes when she saw her younger self, so happy, wrapped in the well toned arms of the man she had loved all those years. He wasn't wearing a shirt and because he was standing sideways there actually were some scratches on his back visible.

"Those were the days, huh?"

Donna nudged her in the side and smiled at her and she finally remembered what she wanted to do.

"Let's listen to the song."

She jumped up and with one grip had the record out of the box standing next to the record player-they had kept all the old records and the favorites were always ready in that particular box.

_One pill makes you larger  
And one pill makes you small  
And the ones that mother gives you  
Don't do anything at all  
Go ask Alice  
When she's ten feet tall _

"Jackie, look at this picture here! Oh my god, we were so young! I had just started dating Eric!"

_And if you go chasing rabbits  
And you know you're going to fall  
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar  
Has given you the call  
Recall Alice  
When she was just small_

"We were so young... And so damn clueless. You know what, I think we've got a lava lamp somewhere down here. Steven got it for me...ugh, I don't know, but I was still in school."

"Really?"

_When men on the chessboard  
Get up and tell you where to go  
And you've just had some kind of mushroom  
And your mind is moving low  
Go ask Alice  
I think she'll know_

"Yeah, he made that stupid joke that I could put it in my window so he could follow the light and wouldn't get lost and land in the neighbors bedroom instead. But I actually used it to warn him if my parents happened to be home."

"Huh. I thought he didn't make you any gifts back then."

_When logic and proportion  
Have fallen sloppy dead  
And the White Knight is talking backwards  
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"  
Remember what the dormouse said:  
"FEED YOUR HEAD"_

"He did, but we just didn't tell."

She paused a moment to remember all the tiny things he had given her when they were young, even though he kept saying he wasn't that type of guy. He was, but in his very own way.

Jackie got up and started rummaging through the huge closet that took up the entire back wall of the room when she finally found it.

"Here, we can plug it in!"

She placed it on a small table next to her and plugged into the nearest socket-nothing.

"It doesn't work, Donna!"

Pouting Jackie looked over to her friend who was still looking at old pictures and barely lifted her eyes off of them.

"Let me look at it. Huh, that's weird. There is a piece of paper jammed into it... Jackie... I think it's a note."

Jackie wasn't able to grasp what Donna had just said to her, because her mind was running wild and images flashed in her head. All the times Steven had set up those stupid paper chases for her. The riddles she had to solve that led her to the next clue. The underlined text in his last letter. What he had said about the stupid lava lamp. And it was finally coming together.

_In the light you will find the road._

"Steven... You have set up another paper chase for me...

* * *

Take a few and tell me what you think, eh?

* * *


	3. Love Her Madly

**Well everybody, here is another chapter. As usual, all songs can be found on youtube. And as usual I don't own anything and be advised that there might be a few dirty words in here you might not like. And please leave me a review, I really need them as a motivation to go on!**

* * *

**Love Her Madly**

_Still in the basement_

_Don't ya love her madly  
Wanna be her daddy  
Don't ya love her face  
Don't ya love her as she's walkin' out the door _

"Jackie, come on now, read it!"

"I can't, Donna. It's just... I don't know what's in it."

With a little moan Donna leaned against the small couch and searched the pile of empty cans and bottles for something to drink while staring at her tiny friend. Jackie was shaking violently and just couldn't find the courage in herself to unfold the piece of paper and read what he had written down. For now it was enough for her to know that he had been the last one to touch it, that he had placed it there for her to find once she had figured out the clues he had given her. But in all her grief she had failed to do so and fate had given her a push.

"Why don't we eat something?"

"Jackie, you just ate a whole box of Twinkies! Stop trying to change the subject. What are you afraid of?"

"It's... I don't know. I am afraid that I might find out things I don't want to know. I am afraid to lose the pictures of him I have in my head. The last memory of him I have... I fell asleep in his arms after we had probably the most amazing sex we've ever had. Don't give me that look Donna, even our kids are more comfortable with the idea uf us having sex than you. You really are like Eric, do you know that? Where was I... He was so incredibly sweet, he has always been, even through his struggles... But that night was just beautiful. And this note reminds me that it was planned, you know? The whole evening was planned out, he wanted me to have this memory. And the knowledge alone is tainting it."

"I think I know what you mean... Are you going to read it now or what?"

Jackie fought the urge to hit her friend in the head with a baseball bat conveniently poking out of one of the closets, but she laughed instead. They had been down memory lane all day long, why stop now.

Carefully she unfolded the paper, cherishing the soft and dry surface and stroking it gently with her fingertips, almost seeing him fold it and sneaking into the basement to hide it. Maybe he had even smiled, imagined this moment, trying to see her just like she was trying to see him right now. And that brought him so close again she almost choked on the tears trying to fight their way out.

Looking down she saw just one line in that familiar scribble that sometimes looked like somebody testing a pen and was so hard to read to most, but she had seen it so many times before, she managed. And she could see he had tried very hard to make it readable.

_I loved you madly, doll._

She looked up and saw that Donna, just like her, held her breath, so she carefully handed the note over to her, even though her hand struggled to release it. She wanted to hold on to it and curl up around it, but she couldn't. Not now.

"He always did that, an easy one after a hard one so I wouldn't lose interest. And this one is pretty easy."

"Well, I don't get it, but I'm not supposed to. So, what's next?"

"I have to go look for whatever Doors LP that song was on. Wanna know the connection?"

Donna simply nodded and leaned forward and Jackie laughed.

"Silly Steven heard that song everywhere after I announced that I got the MTV job and that I was leaving. So technically, it was this song that made him decide to go after me and stalk me until I take him back. Yeah, I guess that sums it up nicely."

"Wait, what? I remember that I played it on the show a few days after you left and after when I came to the basement he yelled at me for some reason. Well, actually, he yelled a lot back then, but now I think it makes sense, somehow. He mentioned the song, that's why I remember. Actually, that was right before he disappeared..."

"You know what? Let's go whip up some Hamburger Helper and I tell you the whole thing while we eat, and then we go look for the record. It was L.A. Woman I think..."

_Twenty Minutes Later_

_Living Room_

They were both sitting on the couch, legs pulled up, a bowl of Hamburger Helper on their laps and some bread between them. Steven was lying on the floor, toying around with a kitten Jackie had adopted from the shelter a few weeks back to keep her company.

"So Jackie, spill it. I've waited long enough. Don't give me that I'm eating crap again. You have barely touched your food."

"Okay, remember the night I went over to the basement and told you about the job?"

_July 20th, 1981_

_Point Place, Wisconsin_

_The Forman's basement_

_It was a relatively hot summer for Wisconsin, and a very boring one on top of it, too. Donna and Hyde were sitting in the basement, trying to kill a lazy weekend full of nothing to do. Eric had to run some errands for his parents, at least that hadn't changed... Fez was working because weekends at the salon were very busy, and Jackie had left a little over a week ago to attend a few castings in New York and they hadn't heard from her so far._

_Donna got op to turn on the radio, they had spent the last twenty minutes staring into space without moving, there was nothing on TV, they had read all magazines in the basement at least three times and there really was nothing to talk about. Hyde had never been a person for smalltalk, but lately he had started to act like "Hello" was an insult. She had never seen him so angry, and that was something for the record books, because Steven Hyde and anger were good old friends._

_She didn't even pay attention to the radio, because when she turned the knob they could hear the very familiar clacking of heels on the steps and with a bright beam of sunshine Jackie entered the basement, smiling from ear to ear, wearing a short red dress and sandals and light makeup._

"_I just had the most exciting week of my entire life. And guess what? I am moving to New York!"_

_The basement remained silent. Donna stared at her, mouth wide open and Hyde... Hadn't even turned his head. He could see her from the corner of his eyes and that was enough for him to know that if he turned his head to fully look at her, he would be doomed. He already felt the need to be mean to her crawl up his back and sit down on his shoulder, puffing a cigarette while whispering nasty remarks in his ear, and he was tired of fighting it. He didn't even know why he still was such an ass to her sometimes, after all they had decided to be friends again. Sometimes he just couldn't._

"_So, your castings went well?"_

"_No. They were horrible. But that one guy who was just visiting saw and liked me and he knows this guy, Bob Pittman, who is looking for people for his music TV station, they call it MTV. And I will be a VJ. They will launch it in August, so I'm just here to gather my things and pretty much leave. They helped me find an apartment, I will actually live together with another girl who will work there."_

_Hyde swallowed hard to avoid spitting out the angry remark that burned in his throat like bile. She looked extremely happy and that was a state she hadn't been in in a long time. She was positively radiant right now and he felt upset. But why?_

"_So, what are you hosting, the mainstream show?"_

_She chose to ignore him and went on chattering, telling about the casting she had been hauled off to and the other people that had been chosen to be the first VJs of that MTV station. She laughed about how she didn't even really know what she was auditioning for and that she did a four minute thing about Earth, Wind and Fire and everybody crowded around her afterwards, asking questions and congratulating her on her good job. Two days later she had received the good news and the day before she had to leave for Wisconsin again she had met the others, three guys and a girl-who had spontaniously offered her a room in her place since her current roommate had just moved out. All this time Jackie was addressing only Donna, her back turned to him as if he wasn't even there. He put his feet on the table and grabbed a magazine he had read four times now._

"_Well, I'll be leaving in five days, I better go and tell Mrs. Forman so she will have time to get used to it. She would be pissed if I didn't tell he right away..."_

_So Jackie left the basement and walked up to look for her surrogate mother in the kitchen. Donna looked at Hyde, an eyebrow cocked._

"_Weird, huh? Now Jackie's leaving us, too. So it's just you, me and Eric. Well, and Fez. But he'll be off to L.A. next month..."_

_He threw the magazine back onto the table, he had even read the advertisements in it twice. It was probably time to get up and go to his crappy little apartment and kill whatever jumped at him when he opened the fridge for supper._

"_Yup. Just us now."_

_On the radio, a new song had just started, it was from The Doors and sounded as giddy as Jackie had been just a few moments ago._

Don't ya love her madly  
Don't ya need her badly  
Don't ya love her ways  
Tell me what you say

_He got up, stretched and patted Donna on the shoulder before he walked out the door without another single word._

_November 2007_

_Jackie's House_

"Oh my god, I totally forgot about that... And I always thought he was just bitching because his dad was sick and everybody left..."

"Well, he was. But a part of him wanted me back. A very subconscious and suppressed part mind you, but it was there. He just didn't want to admit it."

"Yeah, sounds like Hyde."

The two women were lying on the couch, backs against the armrests, legs tangled up underneath a large purple comforter. Steven was still lying on the floor, but he had gotten himself a pillow and a burgundy comforter, the cat was curled up on his chest and he had his head turned to the side so he could watch his mother and his aunt.

"I don't think you've ever talked this detailed about what happened with you and dad. And he didn't talk about it at all. Except for that one time when he gave me that speech about how he would haunt me forever if I blew it with the girl I love by being like him. He wasn't even wasted. Which was kind of scary..."

"I actually did. Amber and her friends asked long enough for me to roll up our story in great detail on one of their pyjama parties two years ago and I continued bit for bit every time they came here. And we left off where we are right now, when I left point Place for good."

"Really? You played storyteller for them?"

"I guess they found it interesting enough because they kept coming back for more."

"So Jackie, that wasn't all, was it?"

"No. He heard it literally everywhere. He told me Leo played it at Grooves once and he almost tore off that poor man's head for it. But you know him... And you've been to my goodbye party. You know what happened."

"Well, I wasn't."

"That's why I'm going to tell you all about it now, Steven."

_July 24__th_,_ 1981_

_Point Place, Wisconsin_

_The Forman's garden_

_Don't ya love her ways  
Tell me what you say  
Don't ya love her as she's walkin' out the door_

_All your love  
All your love  
All your love  
All your love _

_He shut the kitchen door to block out the damn song currently playing on Kitty's little kitchen radio._

_Of course Kitty had insisted on throwing a little party for Jackie before she left and Red had suggested a barbecue. It was the first time any of them could remember Red had actively taken part in party preparations except for his annual barbecue on Veteran's Day._

_The garden was decorated with everything Kitty could get her hands on that didn't look too much like any specific holiday and she had gotten Donna to paint a banner that said "We'll miss you, Jackie". The crowd gathered wasn't so much of a crowd, since it was only the Formans, Donna, Hyde and Fez, but Kitty kept repeating that it was the thought that counted, after all._

_She was checking the right angle of napkins and forks again, snapping at Donna who had set the table for doing it wrong again, her poor boy shouldn't be living with a woman who didn't know how to set the table right, not to mention her lack of cooking skills. Kitty was still upset that the former neighbor girl had lured her son out of her house soon after his return from Africa and now they were living in an apartment together-unmarried!_

"_Good evening, ladies!"_

_Fez strolled around the corner, his clothes and hair matching the latest trends of the new decade and a newfound confidence positively jumping into everybody's face. He had been hired form a big studio in Hollywood as a hair stylist and he was rightfully proud._

"_Hey Mowgli, come over here and let me see if you are of any use around a barbecue. Because my son sure isn't."_

_The only fixed points in their lives were Red and Kitty. No matter what happened, they were both the same, living in the same house, keeping the basement the way it was and having their kid's old bedrooms ready for visitors._

_Hyde sat on the porch, beer in his hands, staring at the neighbor's house, the house formerly known as the Pinciotti residence. He was still confused every time he came over and saw some stranger mowing the lawn or their kids play basketball in the driveway like they had done a million times. This porch, this driveway held so many memories his head had trouble processing even a fragment of it and it happened more and more often when he came here. And it seemed to be getting worse with every member of the gang who was leaving._

_When a car slowly rolled into his view he was yanked out of his thoughts. Looking up he saw Jackie getting out of her car, saw her head appear over the roof, and the rest of her body slowly becoming visible as she walked around it and towards him._

"_So, where is the surprise party I'm not knowing anything about?"_

_He yanked his head towards the garden and she nodded, but walked in his direction instead. She sat down next to him and grabbed his beer._

"_I still can't believe I'll really be moving to New York. Of all places."_

"_Sodom and Gomorrah with a subway._ _"_

"_What?"_

"_Oh, nothing. Just an old memory, that's all."_

"_Huh."_

"_I'd say you better get back there before Kitty finds you here and gets all upset."_

"_Okay."_

"_Wait, let me handle this. OH, HELLO JACKIE!"_

"_Sh, everyone she's coming!"_

_They shared a smile at Kitty's attempt to quiet everyone while she was the loudest of them all, and then they stepped around the house, Hyde on step behind her, his hand on the small of her back. It was more a reflex and he didn't pay attention to it until everybody yelled "Surprise!" and he saw Donna lift her eyebrow at him. He pulled his hand away as if he had been burned and walked over to his friends._

"_What was that about?"_

"_Nothing, Donna."_

_With that he turned away to get himself a beer, Jackie had kept his. He passed Kitty who was currently crying about all the kids leaving her and looked at Red. They had tried to keep her away from alcohol while she was preparing food, but had failed miserably. Her eyes fell on him and she jumped up and wrapped her arms around him._

"_But you aren't going to leave me now, are you, Steven? After all I did for you? You have your shop to take care of, right?"_

_Not sure what to do with the woman he saw as his mother but who was very drunk and very embarassing right now, he carefully patted her back and grimaced at Red to get her away from him. But he made it very clear that he was glad to be rid of her, so Hyde was on his own now._

"_No, Mrs... Kitty. I won't leave you. I might be gone for a week or two, I even moved out, but you don't believe I could stay away from you and your delicious cooking, do you?"_

_When he heard her signature laugh he knew his strategy had worked. Carefully he pulled away from her and made his way to the cooler where he sat down on a chair and enjoyed the cold liquid. There was no reason for him to leave this exact same spot-he was right next to the booze, after all._

_Eric walked up to him a little while later and forced him to return from the place in his head he had spent so much time at recently._

"_Hey, uhm, we wanna go down to the basement. You know."_

_And that was something he was even willing to give up his good spot up for._

_Fifteen minutes later_

_The Circle_

_Fez was holding up a paper plate filled with chicken, salad and bread, wolfing it down like it was the last meal he'd ever get._

_Donna and Eric were sitting together on the couch, making out like two teenagers._

_Jackie twisted a strand of her hair around her finger and looked to her left at Hyde._

_He was just staring at her with his mouth hanging slightly open. He tore his gaze away from her to look at his other friends._

"_Yeah, even this sucks. Let's get out of here, Jackie."_

_They went back upstairs to find Red carrying off Kitty to the house, she was obviously not able to walk anymore. He pointed at Hyde and frowned._

"_Let me tell you something, boy. If you decide to leave town I'll come after you to kick your ass. This is getting too much for her, and now my dumbass son decided to tell her he and his girlfriend are moving away to go to some other college far away from here. You stay."_

_They sat down at the table and Jackie grabbed a bottle of wine that was still sitting there, next to three empty ones, the reason why Kitty had to call it a night early. Smiling to herself she thought about the woman who had been like a mother to all of them. In most of these memories that woman was mixing a drink, had a drink or just had had a drink and she shook her head. They had always made fun of it, but Kitty really had a problem. But she also remembered all the good things... And unfortunately, the embarrassing moments, too._

"_Remember when Kitty caught us making out in front of her fridge?"_

_If she didn't know it better she would have thought he had read her mind. But since it was the first time he ever came close to what she was thinking she was somewhat amused._

"_How could I forget? There wasn't a place we didn't make out back then. Remember that one time in Eric's bedroom? And in Lauries? And..."_

_She stopped herself, realizing that they had somehow landed on dangerous territory. Talking about making out wasn't the best thing to do for two ex lovers who tried to be friends, especially not on a night like this when they were both drunk and had just shared a good amount of Hyde's special stash (the one for special occasions)._

_Fez stumbled up the basement steps, carrying a radio on his arms, "Chequered Love" by Kim Wilde was playing. He didn't make it that far before falling down and falling asleep a few feet away from them._

_You say everything's alright  
I say nothing can go right, yeah  
Oh what a game you can play  
Sad days add to confusion  
Sad ways end in dillusion, yeah  
That's the name of the game  
_

"_Fez. I don't think he'll ever change. But he'll still be leaving, like all of you do. That sucks man. We will all just lose contact and never see each other again."_

_Well I know your love is rough  
And the road you take is tough  
But I just can't get enough  
Chequered love _

_Jackie had never thought about this. A part of her was still the naive little girl who wanted to believe everything would work out and be fine in the end, they would be good friends again. But thinking about her relationship with Donna she knew that this would probably never happen after all that they had been through._

_Touch me, do what you want to  
Say no, then, I just need you  
Babe, your gonna drive me insane  
You are man for all seasons  
You are man with no reasons, yeah  
You're the man with no pain _

_And she was sure she wouldn't see Hyde ever again. They had attempted to be friends somehow, but there was too much pain still too fresh, even after over a year. And she had to admit she still had feelings for him, so she was actually glad she could leave Point Place, and with it him, behind her._

_Oh I can't let go  
'cos I need you so tonight _

"_I'll better go now, I have to leave pretty early tomorrow. They'll be there I guess, so..."_

_She knew he wouldn't be there to say goodbye, friends or not, it just wasn't him. So he got up with her and walked her to her car where they were standing in silence, looking at their feet. Jackie found herself fighting back tears and decided to get this over with as quickly as possible._

"_Yeah, so... Maybe I'll see you around..."_

_She was surprised to feel his arms around her and caught off guard she hugged him back and found herself smelling his scent, enjoying the feeling of his arms around her, his cheek on hers, for one last time. She tried to pull back but he still held her tightly, so their faces were only an inch apart, lips temptingly close._

"_Yeah, bye."_

_With that he turned around and walked away, into the backyard, shaking Fez. Jackie stood there a little while longer, reliving what had just happened, cursing herself for being weak._

_July 31st, 1981_

_Hyde's Apartment_

_It was close to midnight and he found himself in his apartment, in an old worn out armchair, staring at the TV screen and waiting for actual pictures to fill the screen when MTV would launch at midnight. He had been at a party where some dark haired chick had been all over him and tried to lure him into his car, but he didn't really feel like partying and decided to go home. For some reason she had followed him and was currently trying to give him a lap dance to Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" while he tried to get a better look at the TV screen._

_She sat down on his lap facing him and tried to kiss him, but he turned his head away so she simply slid down and opened his belt._

_"Ladies and gentlemen, rock and roll!" _

_He looked up to see footage of the moon landing and heard a guitar riff being played. Some blond chick with weird hair appeared on screen introducing herself and announcing the first video to be played. He looked down and noticed that his pants were down and the chick from the party was trying to give him a blowjob, drunk as she was._

"_Ah, what the hell."_

_He turned off the TV and pulled her over to the couch._

_September 13th_

_The basement_

_He had a few very bad weeks. Fez was gone, leaving him with Donna and Eric. His father was sick and refused to tell anyone what was really going on. And Kitty kept talking about how Jackie was and when she had called and what she had said._

_And he had found himself watching MTV over and over again to see what she was doing. Hyde didn't like to admit it, not even to himself, but she was really good. Especially compared to those losers they had paired her up with. And she looked pretty good, even though she had a more modern haircut now and was of course wearing clothes that matched the latest trend._

_But what really pissed him off was that that stupid song kept following him around. And it pissed him off even more that he didn't really know why he was so pissed off. All he knew was it was about Jackie. But he didn't love her anymore. Not after all this time he did not. He was just mad at her most of the time but had decided to let it go. And now everywhere he turned that stupid song was playing somewhere. And he didn't even love her anymore._

_Looking at the clock he realized Donna's show was on, so he got up and turned on the radio._

_All your love is gone  
So sing a lonely song  
Of a deep blue dream  
Seven horses seem to be on the mark_

_Yeah, don't you love her  
Don't you love her as she's walkin' out the door _

"_God DAMN IT!"_

_He kicked over the spool that had served them as a table for all this years and went back to turn the radio off again. This couldn't be real. This wasn't real. He started pacing the basement, cursing everyone and everything around him._

_What finally pulled him out of this was the sound of the door. He turned around and saw... Donna. He had been pacing the basement murmuring for the last two hours, without even realizing it. He had thought about Jackie for two hours, had wasted time and energy on her. And because nobody else was there and Donna playing the song on her show had started it, he felt the urge to slam her head into the nearest wall._

"_What's wrong with you, Hyde? Do I even dare to ask?"_

"_Well, obviously you do. And you wanna know what's wrong? You people. You and Eric and everybody. You made me sick all this time and I don't even know why. Well, now I do. You guys really suck as friends. You don't even care what others want, you just care what you want. Damn you sicken me. Remember how we used to hand out and be friends? Somewhere along the road that turned into us hanging out and you guys being genuine assholes. And you even played that fucking Doors song. Ah, whatever. Fuck, I'm out of here!"_

_He stormed out of the basement and jumped into his car. But he didn't start it, he just sat there, staring at the dashboard. He turned his head and felt the urge to touch the window. It felt cold and smooth, but it felt real and familiar. Hyde leaned his head against the glass, closing his eyes and screwing them into tight pits of gristle as a wave of unbearably intense emotion crashed down on the shores of his soul. His lips writhed, he tried to speak, he tried to yell, but all he could manage after a while was a hoarse whisper._

"_Jackie!"_

_One word, one name. After over a month of her physically leaving him he had finally realized that she was gone. While she was still there there was always the chance of seeing here, even the chance of them getting drunk and hook up. Or maybe get back together. But now she was in New York._

_She was gone._

_Yeah, all your love is gone  
So sing a lonely song  
Of a deep blue dream  
Seven horses seem to be on the mark_

_Well, don't ya love her madly  
Don't ya love her madly  
Don't ya love her madly _


	4. Stop Draggin My Heart Around

**Here we have a new chapter. It contains some language, so watch out for the f-bombs.**

**I'd like to thank every single reviewer so far, I can't mention often enough how important this is to me. From the short to the long ones, they are all my favorites ;)**

**And I want to thank luvcali for the S8 input and the Stevie Nicks talk which made me start over new with this chapter and it turned out better than I thought it would :P**

**Not surprisingly, the song for this chapter is "Stop Draggin My Heart Around" by Stevie Nicks. You find it on youtube again if you just type in artist and title. **

* * *

**Stop Draggin My Heart Around**

_  
It's hard to think about what you've wanted  
It's hard to think about what you've lost  
This doesn't have to be the big get even  
This doesn't have to be anything at all_

_November 2007_

_Hyde residence, Living Room_

"He really did that? I somehow can't picture Hyde like that..."

"Well, you all couldn't see him in a serious relationship, right? Did you ever see him show any emotion except for the times Kelso did something extra stupid and he almost died laughing? Or when he got a little angry?"

"No..."

"See. Has to go _somewhere_, hasn't it."

"I think I never really thought about you two. I mean, I always thought you guys were just... A fling. But even Eric saw more in you. He was still making his jokes about you, but he said you made Hyde happy. Fuck, even Kelso was smarter than I was..."

"That's gotta hurt!"

Steven chuckled and got up. He stretched his stiff limbs and cracked his neck before walking off to the kitchen.

"I'm making some popcorn. Anybody care for a drink?"

"There's still some beer in the fridge in the garage, Steven. Why don't you get that for us?"

"Can I have one, too?"

"Steven, you are 20. The first time you came home drunk was when you were 16. You stole beer from us ever since and I only let you get away with it a few times because your dad told me to."

"Is that a yes?"

He yelled over from the garage and even though the microwave was on and the popcorn inside was popping they could still hear the giddyness in his voice. She heard Donna snort next to her and turned towards her, Donna's face was as red as her hair. Jackie scrunched up her face but within seconds she was laughing, too.

"So, what happened next? Did Dad go really insane and did the whole flowers, hearts and Bee Gees thing?"

"Think twice. Recall your Dad."

"Nah, I didn't think so."

"He just packed some clothes, threw them in his car and drove to New York. He just went without thinking twice, like he always did. But this time towards his problems, not away. I will never ever forget how he showed up at our apartment."

_September 20th_

_New York City_

_Manhattan_

_Hell's Kitchen_

_Apartment Building_

_He had thought about this long and hard and still had no idea what to say. This is why he was now standing in front of her door, scratching his head and wondering what the hell he would say. Before his head could come up with anything his body took charge and knocked. Cursing under his breath he heard how the music was turned down, then he heard footsteps._

"_If it's that creepy guy from downstairs again I'm gonna kick his ass!"_

_With those words the door opened and he saw that tiny blonde with the poodle hair and the raspy voice he had seen so many times on TV when he had nothing better to do. Or when he was impatiently waiting to get a glimpse at Jackie. Mostly that, but he would rather die than admit it._

_Her name was Nina, he remembered that much._

"_Well, hello there. Who are you, stranger?"_

_She leaned against the door and checked him out. She was wearing black leggins and a black shirt and a purple scarf was tied around her head._

"_I'm a friend of Jackie. Hyde."_

"_I can't remember her mention that name."_

_He sighed and scratched his neck. This really wasn't helping._

"_Uhm, maybe... Steven?"_

_From the way her facial expression changed he knew Jackie had talked about him. A lot, from the looks of it. Nina's mouth fell open as she stared at him, she gave him another head-to-toe checkup before her face started to twist. He carefully turned his body away from her and discreetly folded his hands in front of his crotch, he anticipated a hearty kick. But instead..._

"_Jackie, here's a visitor for you, girl."_

"_Nina, I'm not talking to that moron from downstairs. Why don't you fulfill your promise and give him a makeover with the baseball bat? Need to go over my piece for tomorrow. Damn those fucking rock people."_

_He couldn't help but smile about her._

"_It's not that guy. It's Steven."_

_He heard something drop to the floor and some scrambling noises and curses. Then he heard footsteps. The door got yanked open and revealed not only a very messy apartment but also Jackie, her hair up in a high pony tail, leaving her neck and her shulders exposed, she was wearing a very pink sweater that was cut very low and barely hung off one shoulder, and very tight black jeans. And she was barefoot. _

"_What the hell are you doing here, Steven?"_

_She tried to scowl at him but he saw that she was trying to cover up that she was surprised... Of course she hadn't anticipated him here, she had thought they wouldn't see each other again until Christmas. And Hyde doubted that she would have shown up at the Forman's._

"_I'm in town visiting W.B. at the hospital, so I thought I pay you a visit. Kitty gave me the address."_

"_I thought so... Even though I told her not to give my address or my phone number to anyone unless I allowed her to! Wait, your dad is in hospital? Why? And why are you still standing outside? Come in!"_

_She pulled him inside, still frowning, and threw some clothes off the couch to make room for him to sit down. She waited patiently until he had a good look around before addressing him again._

"_So, what's with your dad?"_

_He didn't mention that his father was admitted to the hospital two days after he had arrived, last night. And that he had spent almost three days trying to figure out what to say to her._

"_He just broke down... They are still checking him, by tomorrow they'll have the results. I guess he's just working too hard. But he had to move the headquarters to New York and expand even further. I mean, it's not like he has enough money...Well, whatever."_

_He tried his best to put his zen face back on but he really was worried. And it seemed like Jackie knew just that. Because she changed from bitchy to friendly and slightly worried in a heartbeat. She even looked at him, but he saw nothing but concern in her eyes. Not hurt, nothing._

"_I am sorry Steven! I really hope it's just that. So, what are you doing now? And where are you staying?"_

"_I'll be here for a while I guess, so I will try to find an apartment, right now I am staying with W.B.. And what I'll do? Work, of course. One day I have to face all that corporate crap anyway, so I figured I could get into it now."_

"_Steven, that sounds so mature...and not at all like you."_

_He snorted and began to stare at his boots. The way she glared at him made him realize that just driving up here and anticipating her to jump at him was completely insane after all that had happened. She would probably only jump at him to try and rip his eyes out. Or do something similar painful. Perform open heart surgery with a spoon. Something like that. He sighed and rubbed his eyes._

"_Look, I'm sorry to intrude like that, but you are the only person in New York that I know. It seemed like a good idea at that time."_

"_You know, lighting firecrackers inside a barn filled with hay sounded at that time like a good idea to Kelso, too."_

"_Jackie, could we stop that at least for tonight? I have enough on my mind already."_

"_Well, you have used me as a distraction often enough, Steven."_

"_I'm not only here to distract myself, Jackie. I really wanted to see you."_

"_Yeah, right."_

_The tone of her voice and the bitter laugh that followed made him cringe. This wasn't working like he had imagined at all. He had expected her to be crabby but they had agreed on being friends, hadn't they?_

"_Jackie, I...alright. You are not going to believe me anyway. I came here to talk to you. To New York, I mean. Of course I wanted to check in on my dad, too, but... Look, I am sorry that I didn't... The way we said goodbye wasn't right. And the whole thing... I just don't want it to end this way."_

"_So, we have sex and you go back home instead or what was your plan?"_

_He felt tiny beads of sweat run down his back, he had never struggled for words as hard as he did now. And the effort he made to explain his position, to tell her how he felt about this, was more than he could take._

"_I'm just trying to be fucking honest with you Jackie!"_

"_Little late, huh."_

"_You know what, I'll go. This was a stupid idea to begin with."_

"_Where are you going?"_

"_Let me think... Back home?"_

"_Wait...Uhm... Are you hungry? There's this place around the corner, they have some pretty decent Chinese food..."_

_He shrugged and was about to give one of his standard replies when he realized the annoyed grimace she was trying to hide from him. This really was going to be a lot harder than he had thought._

"_Sounds good."_

November 2007

Hyde Residence, Living Room

"No, you can't stop there! Jackie, I will pin you to this couch if I have to but you will finish this."

"Geez, Donna, I have to pee. And this is really emotional for me, you know. I need a break and some cold water, I will be right back."

Jackie got up and almost ran to the bathroom. She sat down on the edge of the bathtub and buried her face in her hands. The memory of that night had been particularly vivid and she remembered the whirlwind of emotions he had stirred up in her again. Never before in her life she had felt so raw, so wounded, so hurt. But having him sit so close by, admitting he had come to see her, she had wanted to feel him so badly. And she had been so confused. Had wanted revenge and at the same time tried to will herself to make him leave so she would never have to deal with him again.

A sob tried to emerge from her throat but wouldn't come out. Jackie felt like she was choking and hastily got up to get to the sink and pour herself some ice cold water into a glass waiting readily. With closed eyes she relished the feeling of the water inside her and the invisible band tied around her throat loosened. She took a few deep breaths and went back into the living room. Before Donna could say anything she picked up the thread of her story.

"So, we went to that restaurant..."

_September 20th 1981_

_New York City_

_Manhattan_

_White Lotus Restaurant_

_They had ordered their food and were now sitting silently in their booth in the far corner of the small restaurant, glancing at each other across the table from time to time. Jackie was still asking herself what exactly she was doing here. She didn't want to be around him anymore and was afraid he would rip out what was left of her heart any minute now to eat it right in front of her. A radio was playing in the background, songs were just changing to "Stop Draggin My Heart Around" by Stevie Nicks and Jackie felt like crying._

_Baby, you'll come knocking on my front door  
Same old line you used to use before  
I said ya, well  
What am I supposed to do  
I didn't know what I was getting into _

"_I don't even know what I am doing here. You have been the biggest fucking asshole in the history of assholes to me. I should be at home getting ready for my day tomorrow which is going to be one bitch of a day. Instead I sit here with my ex who couldn't make any commitment to me and chose to marry a skanky stripper instead."_

"_I guess I deserve that."_

"_You deserve a whole lot more, Steven. Be glad I feel sorry because your dad's in hospital right now or you would have to pull your ridiculous sunglasses out of your ass."_

_Sighing he took them off and placed them gently on the table between them._

"_Better? You have spent too much time at the Forman's, though. Threatening to put something up people's asses..."_

_He saw the hint of a smile on her face and for the first time since he had knocked on her door tonight he didn't feel like it was such a bad idea._

_So you've had a little trouble in town  
Now you're keeping some demons down  
Stop draggin' my  
Stop draggin' my  
Stop draggin' my heart around _

"_So, what are you really planning? How long will you be here?"_

"_Could be that I'm staying. My dad has made some subtle suggestions and left hints even Kelso would have noticed. Looks like he wants to retire soon. And since Angie yelled "Not it" faster I am the only one left to inherit the whole deal."_

_It's hard to think about what you've wanted  
It's hard to think about what you've lost  
This doesn't have to be the big get even  
This doesn't have to be anything at all _

"_Steven, one thing. I'm sick and tired of you having your way with me. I can try and be friends with you, but if you are here for one giant burn, better go and leave now. You wouldn't live to regret it."_

_(I know you really want to tell me good-bye)  
(I know you really want to be your own girl) _

"_Jackie, I promise I am not going to hurt you. I am here to try and somehow fix this."_

"_It's too late for that, Steven. I am willing to try and be friends with you, but I can't even guarantee you that. I am not going back to playing stupid games. I'm not like that anymore."_

"_I know."_

_He looked down at the table, wondering where the waitress was getting their food, it was taking a very long time now. He glanced at his watch-it had only been a little more than five minutes._

_Baby, you could never look me in the eye  
Yeah, you buckle with the weight of the words  
Stop draggin' my  
Stop draggin' my  
Stop draggin' my heart around _

"_It will take time. And if you ever go zen on me I will leave. Why am I even trying this? This is like a big joke. Damn!"_

_She got up and tried to leave, but Hyde grabbed her wrist and looked up at her, begging her with his eyes to stay. She tried to turn around and leave and when she turned her face away from him he could see the mask of anger fall and all there was was pain. He scooted nervously to the edge of his seat, trying to find words that would make her stay. Because he knew if he would let her go now it was over. This right here was his last chance. Again._

_But this time it would be final and he knew._

_People running 'round loose in the world  
Ain't got nothin' better to do  
Than make a meal of some bright eyed kid  
You need someone looking after you_

"_Jackie... There is no way I can take back what I've done. And I will not ask you to forget everything or forgive it and get back with me. Just... I'm sorry. I really am. And even that doesn't buy me a ticket out of this, I know that. I'm just asking you if you could see me being a part of your live, however big or small."_

_He felt like a complete idiot for saying this, still holding her wrist, looking up at her like a stray dog begging for some scraps. But if that was what it took to get at least back into her life he had to bite the bullet and do whatever it took. He could see her think, she was chewing on her lower lip, eyes darting around and her eyebrows pulled together._

"_Can we get out of here? I don't feel like eating anymore, we can ask them to pack the food and go back."_

* * *

_Half an hour later they were sitting in the kitchen of Jackie's and Nina's apartment, Jackie had eaten something after all and was now leaning back in her chair, holding her stomach._

"_Oh, I am so full!"_

_Nina entered the kitchen and pulled a tin out of one of the cupboards, it was labeled "Tea". She opened it up and took a little plastic bag out instead of a tea bag._

"_Wait a second Jackie, what exactly is your friend doing there?"_

_Jackie shrugged._

"_Point Place isn't the only place in the world where people do that, you know."_

_Jackie got up and followed her roommate over into the living room, so Hyde got up and went after them. Nina was currently rolling a paper with expertise. And Hyde knew his stuff, he had been doing it for years now._

"_Wanna join?"_

"_Nina, this is like asking the US if they want more oil."_

_Hyde couldn't help but raise his eyebrow at that remark._

"_Thanks for comparing me to the government, Jacks."_

_He pulled out a chair from underneath the table, turned it around and sat down. He started to like the blonde chick, she wasn't as stupid as he thought she would be. A person sharing this kind of interest couldn't be that bad._

_Thirty minutes later_

_Hyde was still sitting on the chair at the table, both arms on the backrest and his chin on top of them. Nina was lying on the floor, head resting on a pillow, arms spread out to her sides. And Jackie sat across the table from him, her bare feet on it, a little toe ring sparkling at him much to his dismay._

"_I'll go get some music, I will be right back."_

_Jackie got up and disappeared into the dark hallway where Hyde assumed she would go to her bedroom and gather whatever record she had in mind. He was pretty sure it had something to do with disco and was certain he wouldn't like it. He was already descending in his own world when he heard the thing he dreaded most-Nina asked him a question._

"_So, you're the one, huh."_

"_Depends."_

"_Yeah, I know you're not the big talker but more the lonely wolf type, but if you hurt her I go after you."_

_This woman had nerves, he had to give her that. Hyde briefly considered hitting her, but he hadn't sunk that low-yet. But he felt dangerously close and if she kept pushing him he felt like he would slip._

"_Amazing how you judge me after such a short time. And you also know what I'm up to, I'm impressed."_

"_No need to be snarky with me. Jackie told me enough about you. And a leopard doesn't change it's spots."_

"_Well, good to know."_

"_Try keeping that in mind. Jackie has friends now."_

"_What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"_

"_You know, people that care for her. Not friends of her boyfriend who merely accept her existence and keep betraying and hurting her."_

_Jackie walked back in and Nina got up, leaving Hyde speechless. The fact that a stranger would say something like that about his friends made him think though..._

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Remember to leave your review at the door before you leave. Thank you._  
_


	5. I'm Gonna Crawl

**I'm sorry I kept you guys waiting so long, but life happened. And I kept deleting what I wrote because I din't like it. But as usual, I found my fellow Zennies extremely inspiring and tonight, after a very nice, natural high I managed to finish. It's not your usual Christmas chapter, but I hope you see the progress. Now get in everybody and enjoy the ride-just remember to keep your arms and legs inside at all times and exit to the right after leaving a review on the way. That would be an awesome present for Christmas :D**

**Enough for today, I wish you all a Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa or whatever you might celebrate, since this is probably the last Chapter before the holidays **

* * *

**I'm gonna crawl**

_If she would come back, Only stay with me_

_Every little bit of my love, etc., I give to you girl_

_I don't have to go by plane  
I ain't gotta go by car  
I don't care just where my darling is  
People I just don't care how far  
I'm gonna crawl _

"I know what came next. Let me put my two cents in, here. Because I'm pretty sure that you have no idea that he talked to us all about that."

"No, I don't know about that. Why? All I know is you called me a few days later to tell me you were pregnant."

And Jackie would never tell Donna how she got drunk and stoned and cried and threw up all night because the girl who she had thought of as her best friend had everything she ever wanted. A man that loved her more than his own life and now her own family. All Jackie had was her job and a friend.

But Nina had been out that night so Jackie didn't have anybody with her. And the person she always wanted by her side when she was down seemed forever lost at that time.

"Well, Hyde talked to all of us on Christmas and basically... He made us realize that he wasn't the only one at fault. In some cases, like mine, he did it with very colorful words. He yelled at me for about half an hour before he just walked out on me. Took a while for his words to get through to me, but at least he got me thinking about it. I was so caught up in my little world where I was always right... We all didn't notice how we let you down. And believe me, to this day we all regret it."

Not knowing what to say, Jackie got up and stretched.

"I'm going to get the record now. I'm sure I know where it is."

She was positive. It was in the room she hadn't set foot in since the day before... The day before he left her. It was his office, or more a large room cluttered with memorabilia in the attic. It was, in fact, the attic. He couls have had a room in the basement but had opted for the opposite instead, saying he had spent too much time of his life in basements and that it was time for something different. She also knew that the record would probably tie in with the upcoming part of the story, so she had to get it anyway.

Seeing the place he had spent so many hours just brooding and thinking about the past made her cringe. Dust was piling on his records, his books, some of the pictures on the wall were barely visible. She touched the first one in a long line with a tiny smile, it was their prom picture. One from the Veteran's Day they had shared their first kiss at, she still felt butterflies just thinking about it.

From the corner of her eyes she saw something move and spun around to face it, but she saw nothing but the huge desk sitting in the middle of the attic, buried under papers and records. And on top of it lay the record she had been looking for, as if it had been placed there on purpose. It wasn't even dusty.

Downstairs she smiled at Donna and her son, who had waited for her to come back in silence. She waved the record and sat back on the couch where she picked up telling her story again.

"So, that night when he left, I ate a whole box of ice cream plus a bag of chips and while I curled up on my bed feeling sick I cried and cursed him because I thought I was rid of him and my feelings for him for good, but of course that wasn't the case. Over the next weeks we saw each other at least every other day. We went out for lunch sometimes, or for dinner. Once I visited him in his new apartment but didn't stay very long. And all was well, until..."

_December 18th, 1981_

_New York City_

_Hell's Kitchen_

_Jackie's and Nina's Apartment_

"_I went and got us tickets today."_

_Jackie looked up from painting her toe nails and arched her eyebrows, willing him to go on. He sighed. There was no point in avoiding the issue any further, they didn't even have a week left until Christmas._

"_For a late afternoon flight to Wisconsin on the 24th. Remember, it's Christmas."_

"_No way. I'm staying here."_

"_Kitty will cry for the next three months if you don't come. And Red would be upset, too. We all would..."_

_The last sentence was barely audible but she had heard it nonetheless. And even though she didn't want it, she could feel a slight flutter in her stomach. He had been like that ever since their first evening together in New York. Barely visible for anyone who didn't know him as well as she did, but he was making an effort. And she hadn't made up her mind yet if she liked it or not. After all, taht was what she had always wanted-just too late._

"_I don't even know how I am supposed to do this. I mean, we will have the Christmas special on the 24th..."_

"_We have plenty of time to get to the airport right after it, the flight is scheduled two hours after. And you don't work for a full week after that. Up next is the New Years party and don't try to tell me anything else, I asked."_

_Jackie knew very well that he had probably gotten that information from Nina. Even though she was still relatively cold to him Jackie knew that her new friend understood them way better than anyone back home. Again she asked herself if things would have gone different if they had had at least one friend that supported them, that understood their relationship and saw it how it was._

"_Okay, fine. But I will not enjoy myself. I'm going to buy sunglasses, sit around mocking everybody and get drunk. No. Positively shit-faced."_

_Content that she had given in but not without challenging him she got up to get something to drink from the kitchen. Without asking him she brought a can of beer and Hyde opened it, still smiling._

_Those were the moments that made him go on._

_There was still hope after all._

_December 24th,_

_New York City_

_Queens_

_LaGuardia Airport_

_Hyde looked around nervously for what seemed to Jackie the millionth time in the last ten minutes. They were waiting for their boarding call in a quiet corner after they had managed to get through the whole process without him picking a fight with the guy trying to search him, even though it had been a close call. He had been about to snap the whole day and it wasn't so much returning home with the woman he loved who was still rightfully pissed-it was more the prospect of flying._

_Jackie knew he hated it but was wise enough not to say anything. He had never mentioned it to anyone, but for him being in a situation where somebody else had complete control over his life and all he could do was sit there, read a newspaper and have some peanuts... He would rather walk home._

_Even though their bodies were not touching in any place and he was sitting two seats to her right she felt him tense up more and more, fighting the urge to pace like a caged animal. Lookig up from the latest issue of Cosmo Jackie spotted a bar wedged between a duty free and a gift shop._

"_I don't know about you Steven, but I need a drink."_

_She got up, slung her handbag over her shoulder and grabbed her coat before looking over her shoulder at her stunned ex. She watched a few seconds how he processed what she had said and when she was positive he had reached a conclusion she smiled and started walking._

"_What are you waiting for, usually you are the first at the bar."_

_A few hours later_

_Point Place, Wisconsin_

_Hyde had rented a car at the airport and they had spent almost an hour in complete silence. When they reached Point Place though, Jackie got nervous. Chewing on her lower lip she twisted her fingers and tapped her foot all at once, all without realizing it. She was staring blankly out of her window at the town she once called home. She checked her makeup again when she noticed they had almost reached their destination, the Forman's. She would be staying in Laurie's old room and Hyde still had his apartment here. She didn't feel like sleeping under one roof with him at all and was glad she didn't have to stay in a motel all by herself._

_The car suddenly stopped and the same second the kitchen door flew open and something rushed by to the drivers door. Kitty attacked Hyde with one of her feared extra tight hugs all of her children had to deal with after being away-Eric had to endure those for a month after he came back from Africa._

"_Oh Steven, look at you, you are so thin! Don't you get anything decent to eat in New York? You poor boy, come inside, dinner is already waiting."_

_She pushed him inside when she remembered that there was somebody else still outside. Quickly covering her mistake she hugged Jackie, too._

"_Well, if it isn't our big TV star. You look so wonderful sweetie! Red and I watch you every chance we get-even though he doesn't like the music you play one bit. Oh, we're so proud of you! Now come on, the turkey doesn't stay moist forever!"_

_Taking a deep breath Jackie walked inside the kitchen and instantly felt like she had never left. The tightness of her heart, her twisting stomach and the lingering feeling of dread. Yes, she was home._

_She could hear laughter from the living room and tried to brace herself for what would await her. She suddenly didn't feel like seeing any one of them at all. That was when the door opened and Red walked in._

"_There you are. I was wondering if Steven had left you at the airport. You two need to pull your heads out of your..."_

"_Now Red, remember what we said about leaving that kind of talk out of our Christmas dinner?"_

"_Kitty, if you invite all the stray kids back into my house just after we got rid of them you can't expect me to smile and have a nice Christmas. Girl, did you know that we're going to be grandparents? Twice?"_

_Jackie was about to nod when she realized what he had just said. Kitty laughed nervously and walked by them carrying a huge turkey over to the counter._

"_Laurie came home yesterday. She is eight months pregnant and doesn't tell us who the father is."_

"_That's probably because she doesn't know."_

_Hyde appered from the living room with a content smirk on his face, closely followed by Eric. Kitty and Red both looked like they were about to say something when Jackie cut in._

"_Then I guess I better call the motels to see if I can get a room."_

_Irritated Kitty turned to face her and gave her one of her sweetest I-am-not-angry-but-better-watch-it smiles._

"_Of course not, Jackie. Eric and Donna are staying in his room, but you can sleep in Steven's old room in the basement. It is all set up. There's no problem at all."_

_Jackie's face fell. There was no way she was sleeping down there again. Not after all of this, not after he had shared that room with..._

"_Jackie, you can sleep over at my apartment if you want to."_

_And there was no way on earth she would sleep in his apartment. Alone. With him._

"_I don't mind spending a few more nights in the basement."_

_After Dinner_

_The Forman's living room_

_They had gotten through dinner without awkaward silences, yelling, burns or Kelso getting hurt, so Jackie inwardly voted this the best Christmas ever, purposefully leaving out the ones she just didn't want to think about. They didn't count. They had been in another life._

_She was standing by the stairs, honoring another Christmas tradition, the one of getting drunk because you can't stand it anymore. Her drink of choice tonight was the special eggnogg Kitty had whipped out after dinner as a "dessert for the grownups". It was hard for their surrogate mother to accept, but there were no more children around. Jackie sighed. Time for the next generation to fill the house, but her goddaughter was with Brooke at her parent's house, so Kelso had come here. Jackie still hoped for the two of them to work things out, and it didn't look too bad. They had made plans to move in together so they could spend every free minute with Betsy._

"_Christmas blues?"_

_She had felt him standing next to her long before he had spoken up. She always knew where he was without looking and it unnerved her. Looking down at her spiked eggnogg she sighed again._

"_Thanks for letting me sleep over at your place... But I can really get a room somewhere..."_

"_Jackie, you hate being in a motel full of strangers all by yourself. And you would rather spend a week without lipgloss then sleep in my old room. It's okay, really."_

"_Thank you."_

"_I just said, it's okay..."_

"_No, not for that. For understanding."_

_They shared a small smile and Jackie relaxed a bit when she saw from the corner of her eyes how Kitty came rushing towards them, hands on her hips._

"_Okay you two, I have been holding back for ten minutes now, but I don't care. It is Christmas and no matter what is it with the two of you, you are standing under a mistletoe. So just kiss and let me have my nice party!"_

_With that she rushed back to the couch where Laurie was wolfing down a plate of cookies all by herself, watched by a disgusted Donna who kept touching her yet invisible belly. Tightening her grip around her drink she turned around to face Hyde, who watched the woman he had thought of as his mother since he was sixteen stomp back to the couch and chuckled._

"_I guess we better do what she says. You know how she gets when she's drunk and angry..."_

_Feeling the rush of too much alcohol making her dizzy she closed her eyes and waited for him to come closer. She felt his breath on her face and his body dangerously close to hers, radiating heat. His lips gently brushed her cheeks and she opened her eyes, completely surprised that he didn't take advantage of the situation. What she saw was nothing but a genuine smile and as he wished her "Merry Christmas" and walked over to watch Kelso who tried to solve the Rubiks Cube he had given him._

_Later That Night_

_The night had turned out okay for everyone. Jackie had avoided talking too much to anyone and to Hyde's astonishment nobody seemed to notice. As if the Jackie thad made it hard for anyone to get a word in had never existed. Nobody even seemed to notice her when she announced she was going to leave. The only reaction came when he got up, too._

_Donna was giving him her harsh look again, the one that seemed stuck on her face ever since... He couldn't even remember seeing her any other way. Angry or completely blank, there was nothing else these days._

"_And where are you going?"_

"_I'm driving her."_

_He answered with the angriest look he could come up with and followed Jackie to the kitchen. She could sense his tension and anger but didn't really understand what was going on. She had no idea about his short talk with Nina and that he had prepared a nice speech he would give Donna later. She just knew she was tired and didn't want to pretend to like it here anymore. The others had exchanged presents, leaving her out except for the Forman's, Kitty had made her a nice purple sweater. She wanted to sleep, nothing else._

"_I'm just going to check the apartment to see if everything is alright, then I'll be gone. I promise."_

_She didn't know if she suddenly believed him or if it was just because it was her tired mind giving up, but she just got into the car and closed her eyes, glad for it to be finally over._

_Twenty Minutes later_

_The Basement_

_Hyde slowly walked in, sunglasses back in place, his face blank. Only someone who cared to look closer would notice the firm set of his jaw, his clenched teeth and the lips that were pressed together so firmly that all blood had drained from them. Eric was one who cared and he spoke up, gently, as Hyde sat down next to him in his usual chair._

"_What is with you, man? You seem pissed. And I don't mean the usual pissed. When you came here you looked pretty content, now... You haven't killed somebody, have you?...Oh my god, you are going to kill somebody."_

"_Forman, this isn't about you. But if you want to stay, don't say I haven't warned you."_

_Leaning back in his chair he took a good look at the remains of the group, sans Fez and Jackie, and casually folded his arms across his chest. Eric, having seen that move many times just before a huge burn or somebody getting punched, cringed._

"_So, DONNA. How's it going?"_

_Donna looked at the others, not knowing what was going on. But Kelso just shrugged and Eric shook his head. He decided to stay out of this, it was obviously about something that happened while he wasn't there and he had no idea where this was headed. All he knew for sure was that he didn't want to get stuck in the middle between his best friend and his girlfriend._

"_Why, I'm pregnant, Hyde. What's going on with you?"_

"_Oh, nothing. You know, I'm just a little confused, that's all."_

"_Why are you confused?"_

_Kelso dodged behind the couch and tapped Eric on the shoulder, but he just waved him off. He wanted to see what was going on, it looked like Hyde was going to lead Donna to something._

"_I'm just wondering why you wouldn't give your best friend a present for Christmas. Or while we're at it, why you didn't talk to her at all."_

"_I have no idea what you're talking about."_

"_I'm talking about JACKIE, Donna."_

_Hyde was dangerously close to shouting now and Eric could see that his hands that were tucked under his arms were clenched to fists. He was glad that he wasn't at the receiving end of Hyde's anger-and that the person that was was a girl. And pregnant. As much as he doubted Hyde's ability to restrain himself from hitting a girl, he wouldn't do that to a pregnant girl. Or would he?_

_Eric twitched nervously and tried to shift so that he would be directly between Donna and Hyde._

_But Donna pushed him away, an angry glare in her eyes._

"_Why do you care about her all of a sudden?"_

"_I care enough about her to let her know that I am sorry for everything I did to her. I was a complete jackass and I'm the first to admit it. But what about you, man? You were supposed to be her best friend."_

"_I never said..."_

"_Come on, Donna, don't. Do you think I'm that stupid? All that time she was good enough for you and all of a sudden you exchange her for a skank from Las Vegas? I KNOW, don't even start! I just said I admitted my fucking mistakes. And I talk to her. I moved to fucking New York for her! I leave my fucking sunglasses at home just to watch her paint her toenails. And what are you doing? You treated her like shit and now you ignore her? Yeah, that's the way to do it. You all treated her like shit. All you ever thought of was your own crappy lives. And you still don't seem to give a shit about her, or she wouldn't sit in my old apartment all by herself."_

"_Why don't you go, now that you are the one who makes everything right?"_

"_Because I thought I'll try to set you all straight. But if I don't get through to you what sense does it make for me to even keep trying. I'm out. If it weren't for Red and Kitty you probably wouldn't see me again. So, don't expect me to come for anything concerning you guys. Have a nice life."_

_With that he got up and slammed the basement door shut behind him. Rubbing his temples he leaned against the ice cold wall for a moment. He could hear them talking inside._

"_He didn't mean that, did he?"_

"_I think so, Donna. He was really, really angry. He talked to me earlier and I was going to call Jackie later, but I guess that's off now. I just have to visit her in New York, then. I wanted to show Betsy the big city, anyway."_

"_And again I am sitting here, unable to comprehend what's going on. WHAT THE HELL happened to you guys? I was gone for ONE YEAR and you manage to screw everything up?"_

_With a slight smile he made the mental note to invite Forman over to New York sometime and try and explain everything to him. He pushed himself off the wall and climed the stairs, just to re-enter the house through the kitchen. He needed to talk to his parents and explain, and he needed to make a phonecall. After that, he just needed to see Jackie._

_But that was the one and only constant in his life, so it went without saying_

_An hour later_

_Hyde's Apartment_

_He had called her name through the door three times without getting an answer. He had seen that there was light on when he wlaked up to the building, but she probably couldn't hear him. Carefully he opened the door and called her name again. She was sitting on the couch, her back to him, and she was shaking._

"_Jackie?"_

_She jumped and spun around, she had been crying. In her heands she held a picture frame and he knew without looking which picture it was. There weren't many, actually, this was the only one. He just wasn't the right guy for decorating._

_It was a heavy silver frame laden with embellishments and she had given it to him with a picture in it a lifetime ago. Kitty had taken it without them knowing-they were sitting in Red's armchair in the living room, Jackie was sitting sideways on his lap and they were looking at each other. The look on his face was one he had never thought he was capable of showing._

"_What are you doing here?"_

"_I'm checking in on you... Hey, I know you don't like being here. At least I know that I hate it. They treat you like shit and me like nothing ever happened, that's just wrong. So I say let's leave, I talked to the Forman's, they understand."_

"_But...we just came here! And...where do we go, then? We can't go back, I promised Nina to let her have the apartment when her boyfriend comes up to visit..."_

"_California. L.A.. I checked, If we leave now we catch the next flight."_

"_You already booked it, didn't you?"_

_He shrugged, but smiled at her. He had called the airport before leaving the Forman's house and had indeed reserved two seats for them. Just in case. Because he knew she had always wanted to go to California, the place her first boyfriend had run off to and made their relationship possible._

"_Fine, why not."_

_She got up and pointed towards her suitcase that still sat untouched in the middle of the room._

_November 2007\_

_Jackie's Living Room_

Nervously she looked at the record in her hands. It had been the only item in the room without dust. It had been placed right on top of all the clutter on his desk, but she was sure it hadn't been there when she had entered the room. Carefully she pulled out the record and turned over the cover, looking for a note. There it was, a small piece of paper from his notepad she had given him as a joke. On the top it said "From the desk of Steven Hyde". He had used it mostly to write her raunchy notes he left on his pillow when he went to work-usually instructions what she shoule be wearing when he came home.

"_Remember our first trip to L.A.? I will never forget a second of it. That was when I started to feel like a human being again. You made me... You know the answer, Jacks. Go look for it, my Everything."_

She had read his message out loud, her throat tightening at the memory of him saying that to her. He had sworn to kill her if she would ever tell anybody and here it was, in writing. He had always found the concept of pet names silly, but he had given her one nonetheless. He had called her my Everything.

"So, what is this all about?"

"I will tell you tomorrow. I'm tired and my throat is getting sore."


	6. Over The Hills And far Away

**Yes. It's been forever. My computer crashed, real life needed a lot of attention, and my muse packed and left me for a younger, more motivated author. I know. But we worked out our differences and I hope the product of our reconciliation is to your liking. It is a bit short, I know, but I promose the next ones will be better... Please help me stay on track and review, will you? You have no idea how much that means to me :D**

**This song is from led Zeppelin, "Over The Hills And Far Away", look it up on youtube. This time it's not in the chapter itself, but it's an awesome song worth checking out if you don't know it already. Try new things ;) **

* * *

**Over The Hills And Far Away**

_Many times I've lied  
Many times I've listened  
Many times I've wondered  
How much there is to know._

_Many dreams come true  
And some have silver linings  
I live for my dream  
And a pocketful of gold. _

_**November 2007**_

_**Jackie's basement**_

They had slept a few hours and had breakfast, all the while not talking much. Both Donna and Steven wanted Jackie to rest so she could continue her story afterwards.

Jackie meanwhile was lost in thoughts. She had spent the last night on a beach in L.A., with her young husband. At that time not even boyfriend. She had relived that Christmas, had watched her younger self talk and laugh with him, had felt the wind in her hair and the sand under her feet. But every time she had tried to reach out and touch him she had touched a cold, smooth surface. At first she had wondered why but after a while she had noticed the quality of her dream.

Waking up she remembered.

"Tell me again why we are in the basement?"

"My son, you will now experience the wonder of home videos."

Giggling she pulled the protection of their old projector and rummaged in a file cabinet full of old videos. One of the first things Hyde had done upon their arrival, when they were walking around to explore their quarters, was buy a camera in one of the many pawn shops. She remembered laughing at him because it was old but he had that look of determination, telling her he had always wanted one exactly like this and she had let it go.

"There! This is the first one we ever made..."

With a sad smile she opened the box-and found another note.

_I knew you would get sidetracked! But keep your eyes on the prize baby-you know you make me..._

In the back of her head she could hear him snicker from a few months back. He had read her like a book, had known exactly what she would do. He had known she would look for the video they had made on their first vacation together. After one last glance she handed the note over to Donna, who couldn't do anything but gasp.

"This is starting to freak me out! It's like he just placed it there. How could he know?"

Jackie turned off the lights and turned the projector on. She didn't know. But if there was one thing she had learned in her time with Steven J. Hyde it was to expect the unexpected...

The picture was flickering, waving and then Jackie came into view. It was tinted slightly yellow and a little blurry and shaky at first but after a few more seconds the camera focused. She was wearing a thin red sweater, she remembered it being pretty warm, and blue jeans. Her hair fell down in soft waves and she was hardly wearing any makeup.

"Steven, quit it already!"

She scolded him, but she was smiling.

"Come on, I am looking forward to torture Forman with this when we come back. This is what he gets for making us look at his pictures from Africa for three fucking hours!"

Jackie felt her heart sink when she heard his voice. Seconds later she felt Donna's hand on hers and she took it, grateful for the gesture.

On the screen she saw herself walking down a street, checking out different vendors, holding up a hideous dress, putting on a silly straw hat and ugly sunglasses. She remembered being so relieved to be away from everything. Her new job, New York, Point Place...

"Let's go to the beach!"

"Steven, it's not that warm. I'm not going to swim so cancel all plans to film me in a bikini!"

She remembered seeing him pout at that.

A chuckle became audible over the speakers and she felt the urge to see him, just for a few seconds. To touch him. And now she knew why he felt cold when she tried to touch him in her dreams. She had touched the wall he was projected on.

"Come oooon. It's so nice today. I bet we have the beach to ourselves. We can bring some food."

She clutched her heart theatrically and grinned.

"Aw Steven, do you want us to have a picnic?"

A low growling sound was audible and the camera waved for a bit before it steadied itself again.

"Don't push it, Jackie."

She laughed, mocking Hyde behind the camera and he zoomed in on her face while she was making faces at him. Jackie remembered how she had felt like they were just two friends goofing around and how natural it had come to her. There were still other feelings for him, but she was able to just be herself and enjoy the moment without being tense, without waiting for something to happen. To this day she wasn't sure why she had suddenly felt this way.

There was a short break in the film and then all that was visible was sand and the ocean. The camera wobbled a bit and Hyde cursed under his breath. Then Jackie walked into view, barefoot, her jeans up to her knees. She turned around and waved before she continued her walk down the water, wind in her hair. Barely audible over the wind and the waves was Hyde's voice when he whispered.

"Damn, you're beautiful..."

A few seconds later the camera jerked once more, two boots were flying and Hyde was running up to Jackie, his jeans up to his knees, too. He scooped her up like she weighed nothing and carried her towards the water. She was screaming and fighting but even from that distance it was clear that she was laughing. He was running into the water until it almost reached his knees and then set her down, carefully. They were standing there, facing each other for a while, just looking at each other. His hands were on her hips, steadying her against the waves rolling ashore around them, she was holding on to his sweater with both hands. He said something to her, she smiled. Then they walked back out of the water, towards the camera, holding hands.

Another break in the film and Jackie was lying on a motel bed, reading the newspaper. She was twisting a strand of her hair around her left index finger while holding a half eaten pretzel in the other. She was wearing a bright yellow shirt and black pants. After a while of complete silence she threw the pretzel towards the camera without even looking.

"This thing is too loud for you to try and be sneaky, Steven."

There is another brief blackness before the room returns. This time it is darker outside, there is only one lamp lit on the nightstand next to the bed. Jackie is wrapped into a sheet and sulking.

"Steven, leave that damn thing alone already. I spend enough time in front of cameras."

"But I bet never like this."

His voice is saturated with a satisfaction only known to cats that have just eaten the canary and men who just had incredibly good sex. And even though there are some feathers on the bed it is pretty obvious what just happened here.

"Come back here!" she purrs and pats the bed right next to her.

"Just a moment..."

Now she pouts.

"Pweeease!"

The camera is turned off and the film ends. For a minute or two it is completely silent in the basement, except for the rattling of the projector. Jackie is trying to get a grip on her emotions. Even though she is eternally sad the memories of those few days in L.A. make her smile. Yes, she had slept with him. Numerous times. But they had never talked about their relationship or what was going to happen when they came back. And at that time, it had been fine with her. They had saved the trouble for later and had just been happy for a while. Without feeling like they had to fit a certain mold, to play their destined role in a group of people. And she knew this was why they never really returned to Point Place, even though they kept talking and dreaming, of their children growing up in that small town they both loved dearly. But it was also the place where everyone expected them to fail, again. By not returning they tried to beat the odds. And, surprisingly to everyone but them, they had succeeded.

Jackie got up and turned the light back on. Donna was crying and her son was still staring at the now blank wall, blinking against the sudden brightness. They had both never seen those videos before, and Jackie knew there were lots more where this came from. Hyde had made sure to film pretty much everything, first with that small old camera that was replaced a few times over the years with more modern models.

"What now?" Donna wiped her eyes with a paper tissue, wisely brought downstairs by Jackie when she led them here. "Where does the next clue lead you?"

Reaching for the paper Jackie smiled again.

"You make me real. That's the word we have to look for. It's a song by The doors, actually. They played it at our wedding, too. Along with some other songs... so I'm not sure if I should look for the album or for our wedding pictures or the video... But I think I'll check the album first."

With that she went back to all the records and thanks to Hyde's obsession with keeping them in a certain order she didn't need to search long. Holding out the record with both hands she walked back to the couch and sat down. Reluctantly she turned it around and around, fearing that the next memories would take her to places she didn't want to go. But of course she already knew what was waiting along the way, the memories tied to that one special song...

"I need some fresh air before I can go on, anybody care for a little walk?"


End file.
